Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cunt

That's right, I said it on national tv this morning. And no Cindy, I wasn't talking to you...this time.



Doesn't get more Maverick than that.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Someone hire this guy

I'm not sure who this dipshit Jesse Taylor is, but he's got some good material.

You wonder why McCain/Palin supporters feel like they can go to rallies and talk about Obama being a Jew-bought Islamic radical cokehead forced abortionist communist?

"Jew-bought Islamic radical cokehead forced abortionist commie?"

You know, that just might catch on...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Time to bust out some Maverick

I know I'm down in the polls. I know the outlook for the election doesn't look good. I know my campaign staff is freeeeaking the fuck out.

So it's time that The Original Maverick dropped some honest-to-goodness, Grade-A Maverick on your ass. Here's my plan:

AT TOMORROW NIGHTS DEBATE, THE ORIGINAL MAVERICK WILL ENDORSE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT!!

That's right. You didn't mishear that. Tomorrow I will endorse Barack Obama for president.

God I'm good. Broder's gonna cream in his pants once he hears this one. You can't get more bi-partisan than endorsing your opponent.

THE ORIGINAL MAVERICK IS BACK, BITCHES!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Enemies all around

What the fuck is going on here?? First that conniving piece of rat-shit Kristol turns on me. The negative ads aren't working??? Are you fucking kidding me, you smug cocksucker???? YOU'RE THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO TOLD ME TO RUN THOSE ADS IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!!

As if that wasn't bad enough. Now I'm hearing rumors that even Snowbilly Sarah is talking shit about me. I gave that faithless little cunt the chance of a lifetime and now she's stabbing me in the back??? Who the hell does this dumbfuck broad think she is anyway???? Jesus H. motherfucking Christ!! She is one nasty whore. She makes Hillary look like a fucking girl scout.

Well if she thinks I'm just going to bend over and take it up the ass with a fucking grin on my face, she's got another thing coming, my friends. I'm going to shit on her so bad that when this is over she won't be able to get elected Wasilla dog-catcher.

YOU HEAR ME, YOU IGNORANT CUNT??? YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG MOTHERFUCKING MAVERICK.

UPDATE: Another one turns. Hey, Charlie, why don't you and Larry Craig go blow each other.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Lower forms of life

You can't see it, but this woman is so butt-fucking-ugly that I visibly shuddered when she stood up.



I don't know if she was retarded or deformed or both. And her breath was so bad I almost projectile vomited in her face when she started talking.

God I can't stand the genetic rejects that attend these fucking rallies. I can't believe I actually have to interact with these lower forms of life. There's a fucking reason I live in a gated community. I wouldn't even want these people mopping my basement floor.

How much longer until November 4?? Three more fucking weeks??? Christ almighty I need a scotch.

Ratfink cowards

Jesus H. fucking Christ. When did the Republican Party get so full of ratfink cowards? Norm Coleman doesn't want to be seen with me?? The RNC is going to pull their presidential advertising??? IS THIS SOME KIND OF FUCKING JOKE??? I didn't hear any whining when they were calling John Kerry a lying frenchified pussy four years ago. That poor luckless bastard took shrapnel in Nam for his fucking country and they had no problem ratfucking him until his goddamn ass bled. But now that I'm attacking The One, their panties get all bunched up and they go into a fucking swoon. Un-fucking-believable.

And who does this first-class asshole Norm Coleman think he is anyway. He doesn't want to be seen with ME?? Is he fucking kidding? I don't want to be within twenty feet of that half-queer cocksucker. You think Neiman Marcus suits are the only "perks" he's been getting from that A-rab friend of his? Let's just put it this way: Larry Craig wasn't the only one getting blowjobs in the Minneapolis airport.

These motherfuckers can try to run from me all they want. But it's too fucking late. I'm going to take them down with me, whether they like it or not.

Friday, October 10, 2008

You just don't get it

Earth to crybaby pussies: I don't give a flying fuck how history will judge me. I don't give a shit if the mouthbreathing semi-retarded rageoholics who attend my campaign events leave my rallies and start riots in the streets. If I'm going to lose this election, I'm taking my reputation, the Republican Party, and the entire fucking country with me. The American people shat on me eight years ago, and now I'm getting my payback.

The Original Maverick doesn't forget, cocksuckers!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Eye of the tiger

Fucking Christ I'm pumped up today! Snowbilly Sarah and I are finally getting the shithead wingers whipped up into a bloody frenzy. She might be dumb as a fucking moose, but goddamn she's a sublimely vicious cunt! And the retarded mouthbreathers who populate the Republican Base absolutely love her. She could shit on a plate and tell them it was fucking filet mignon and they would snarf it down and beg her for more. God those people disgust me. But you can't be too judgmental when you've got a campaign to win.

FUCKIN' A!! I haven't felt this alive since I was napalming gook villages back in Nam. Well, there was that one night in Vegas when me and Chuckie K blew $150 grand on craps and another $20 large on hookers and blow. Holy shit was Cindy pissed about that one the next day. I had to slip a few Vicodin in her morning screwdriver just to get her to shut the fuck up.

So tonight The One and I step into the ring for a townhall-style debate. Should I just flat-out call him a terrorist from the beginning? Or should I drop a few "Osama-I-mean-Obamas" on him first?

Motherfucker am I pumped!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Where's my motherfucking October surprise?

Dear Laden,

I could use a little help here. You gave that impotent moron Bush a Halloween gift four years ago. It's time the Maverick got his. Think you could find some time in that busy schedule of yours to cut me a quick video? You know, something that I could use to really scare the piss out of the voters. This Bill Ayers shit just ain't working. I need to connect The One to some real scary Islamiac terrorists. I had Schmidty work up a quick text for you, in case you're busy. You could say something like:

Hello Infidels,

I am taking great interest in your upcoming presidential election. I am liking very much the Democrat candidate, Barrack Hussein Obama. I am glad that you have finally agreed to surrender to the Muslim Caliphate and elect a true believer to the presidency. He will make a great governor of the province of Americastan when he turns your government over to me.

So, as they say in your country, "Remember to vote early and often...for Barrack Hussein Obama!"

Allah's will be done on November 4.

Assalamu alaikum,
Osama


Better get on it quick, Laden. Time's running out.

Memo to Joe Klein

Fuck you, you back-stabbing little cocksucker.

God hates me

And I hate God.

So I'm finally getting some traction on the Ayers ratfuck and what happens? The goddamn Dow drops 500 points before it's time for my afternoon dose of Simvastatin. How the fuck am I going to get the conversation off the dogshit economy and onto The One's terrorist sympathies when the market is in free fall? Oh, and maybe those shitbag smartypants economists can stop using phrases like "global cardiac arrest" and "triage" to describe the worldwide financial meltdown. Can we give the financial system a goddamn baby aspirin and get on with the ratfucking, please? The Maverick's got a campaign to win here, my friends.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's all coming together

A quickie before the Ambien kicks in. Looks like my buddy Sean is getting some of the real slimy ratfuckers involved now. All I can say is: it's about goddamn time.

I got yer Maverick right here

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Now We're Talking

Now this is the type of ratfuck real red-blooded Americans can believe in, my friends. I just might have to make Bobby May head of the Civil Rights Division in a Maverick Administration.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Will The One's Health Plan Cure My Prostate Problems?

Jesus fucking Christ my prostate is killing me today. Every time I go to the can to take a piss all I get is a pathetic trickle. I've sprayed more piss on the side of the bowl than I have in it. The maid's gonna have an unpleasant day tomorrow.

As if I didn't have enough problems. Now I learn from those shithead lickspittles who call themselves advisers that The One is trying to steal one of my electoral votes in Nebraska. Does that sanctimonious cocksucker realize THOSE ARE MY FUCKING VOTES?? I didn't spend five and a half fucking years in the Hanoi Hilton to let that arrogant piece of shit steal votes that rightfully belong to me. That motherfucker better believe that I'm going to put him in a commercial right next to Osama now. We got Cleland with that kind of shit in 2002--and that poor bastard doesn't even have any legs!! If we can shit all over a Nam vet with that kind of Machiavellian ratfuck, we can get The One too. His smiling mug melding right into Laden's face. I don't even have to spend a lot of money on special effects. The One already looks enough like a closet A-rab.

Enough with this pansy-ass Bill Ayers horseshit. Bill fucking Ayers?? Are my dumbfuck advisers kidding me with that?? I'm trying to win the fucking presidency and they're giving me some fossilized '60s radical who nobody ever heard of.

I WANT PICTURES OF THE ONE FUCKING ISLAMIAC TERRORIST GOATS IN KENYA, GODDAMNIT!!!!

Fuck my prostate is killing me.

The view from the bunker: Day 1

And so it begins...

Willkommen in der Weissedammerung

"He had the fighting instincts of a badger trapped by hounds. The badger will roll over on its back and emit a smell of death, which confuses the dogs and lures them in for the traditional ripping and tearing action. But it is usually the badger who does the ripping and tearing. It is a beast that fights best on its back: rolling under the throat of the enemy and seizing it by the head with all four claws."

Hunter S. Thompson, "He Was a Crook"